It’s been a tough year for recruiters and job seekers alike. For a process that was already quite tedious even before the pandemic, Zoom interviews and grainy webcams have only added to everyone’s misery. Here’s what we think interview answers would sound like if you could truly speak your mind.
1. So tell me something about yourself.
There’s not much left to tell after the kind of year we’ve had: I have two young kids, a cat, and a dog. My partner doesn’t have the option to work from home, so I’m perpetually multitasking. I’m also a great source of entertainment on Zoom because my cat can and will interrupt me when the camera is on. And before you ask, yes she can tell when the camera is on and we don’t know how.
2. Why would you like to work with us?
Financial independence. Also, I spent 20 minutes reading the ‘About Us’ page on your website, which is the longest I’ve been able to concentrate on anything this month—which is to say, I find your work intriguing and I want to be a part of it.
3. Why should we hire you?
*Proceeds to use almost all the qualities listed in the job description to vaguely describe myself.*
4. How open are you to diversifying your skills/learning new things?
I think it’s very important for you to understand how eager I am to learn new things so that you’re not absolutely devastated to find out—after hiring me—that I am, in fact, quite average at most tasks that you expect me to carry out as part of this job.
5. How do you deal with stress?
Honestly, over the years I have learned how to communicate my stress effectively, adapt to new situations, and plan out not just my workload, but that of my team as well. But I do have to make up for this by staring into the void for a few hours to recharge my batteries. Or, you know, some downtime without human interaction works just as fine. You don’t work weekends, right?
6. What do you like to do outside of work?
Most of my time outside of work is spent actively trying not to think or feel too strongly about the fact that we’ve been asked to go about our jobs as if there isn’t a raging global pandemic disrupting literally every aspect of our lives.
7. Tell us about an accomplishment that you’re proud of
Not committing any crimes against the men in my family, who think that ‘helping with household chores’ means pointing out the spot on the dining table that I missed dusting.
8. Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Probably trying to survive a natural disaster (because of climate change).
9. How would your last manager/best friend/sibling describe you?
Frankly, my last manager, my sister, and my best friend would all tell you the same thing: “How she manages to get anything done at all is beyond my comprehension but the fact that she’s survived these many years on the planet is… well, quite something in itself.”
10. Is there anything that you’d like to tell us that we haven’t covered today?
I’m wondering if you’re going to ghost me after this interview. (Please don’t, that’s happened to me twice already this month).